Monday, March 10, 2008

Dear Amanda,

Years ago, yes, some 9+ years ago, I looked into this little girls eyes and saw my own. I can not explain what that is, it just is.

I want the world to know how I feel about my Granddaughter. I screwed up terribly and I've paid dearly for it.
I can only hope there is redemption and understanding? This is my letter, an appeal to my ex daughter-in-law...

My Dearest Amanda,

I hope you read this, it warms your heart and floods you with understanding. I pray that you see I have only the very best intention...

I would love to get to a place where we could be friends, just like we were. You always had my back, the bravest of brave. I consider you family and have a love for you as well as Big Love for Kassandra. She is and will always be my first Grandbaby. She owns a spot in my heart. It's not a rented spot, never was but owned and always will be. She is special to me. I have prayed for her every day since she was born. Every nite I fall asleep praying for her first and then the rest of my children and grandchildren. It's always been this way and it will be till my last breath.

I don't think you understand how I have mourned for Kassandra or cried out to God to protect her. Yes, she has always been top on my list.
While I realize that in my past, I was could be a horrible Mom and even a questionable Grandma, I hope there is redemption.

I was lost in addiction. I was lost with no hope, such pain, yes it was making me crazy, in the full sense of the word. You see, all these years, I have felt so much, sometimes too much, too much pain and I tried so hard to just shut it up. It was a silent scream with so much passion and pain when I did scream nothing came out, it was only audible in heaven.

When I wrote you years ago, I can imagine you did not believe me when I said I was clean and have been for 9 years. I was clean before Kassandra was born, an important thing for me. I also understand as I was given messages to stay away and I tried to respect it. I would call your Dad's hoping that Kassandra would answer, just to hear her voice and then act like it was a wrong number.

Yes, I mourned for my grandbaby and I could feel her pain all these years. In a constant appeal to the Lord, I would ask, fervently that the Cystic Fibrosis would never own her. When I, myself couldn't breathe, I thought of Kassandra. I would pray ever single night that God would clear her lungs, clear all the gunk from her system, heal her scarred lungs and allow her no fear, not to be afraid of night. I would pray that God, place His Angels around her. I would pray for you, yes, pray that you would have patience and wisdom to understand how scary it is when you can't breathe. I would cry out to the Lord for your inner strength. And you do, have that inner strength because God has given you maturity and wisdom to really understand just how scary it is to wonder if it is your last breathe? If you will wake and continue your life and see your dreams and aspirations unfold. Yes, I've imagined just how scary it is to have to wonder when you're so young.

Those of us without CF take breathing for granted. Those of us without CF take eating for granted without the aid of medications to help us process our food. Yes, those of us without CF will never know just how awful it is when you feel like you're drowning in your own secretions? Countless days passed as I worried and wondered. More days passed that I cried out to The Lord, on Kassandra's behalf. And I do believe He listened. I do believe he honored my prayers as I see such a beautiful Granddaughter, in the pictures, I was fortunate to have seen. It proved to me that Kassandra belongs to our Heaven;y Father and He does have His hand upon her. Yes, through all these years.

It is true that I was one messed up individual. It is true that you had every right in the world to question my validity, I know, to protect your daughter. But it is even more true, that I love her and have loved her since the day she was born, especially since the day I held her, so long ago, in my arms as she struggled to breathe. She is another reason, all these years to struggle to stay clean. Yes, when I wanted to fold my cards and fallout, Kassandra, along with my other grandbabies, came to mind. I would think of never being able to share, hold, protect and love them all.

I guess what I am saying is I realize you are not a mind reader. You can not know my intentions? As well, I realize that actions speak louder than words, right? I pray you will find it in your heart to see that my heart is no longer dark, blackened by the ravages of addiction. I can only tell you, with words, just how much Kassandra means to me. It breaks my heart, the thought of not knowing her, not being there to watch her grow into a beautiful young woman. Yes, she is beautiful, I can see it in her eyes. I see more than most, I see her, I know her, even after all these years. I did not have to be right there and I could be a thousand miles away but I would still know and love her. Yes, once I looked into her eyes and that's all it took. Do you see? Do you understand?

I hope this letter, this appeal will be received with a heart felt understanding. I pray that you will see that my intention is never to hurt Kassandra and in fact it is quite the opposite with an awareness of walking on that edge, never wanting to fall, never wanting for anything but good, the very best. If I could give her the world, do you know that I would? As it stands, all I have is love. I hope and pray that you will reach deep within yourself and feel this, know it and feel the positive impact, I wish to make?

With Love,



xstevex said...

wow babz ,thats very moving.....hope that works out for you , I have my own screwed up
situation so Im feelin ya.....

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